I have two of the most animated grandchildren in the world. They are so much fun and are so full of life. Now for those of you who have grandchildren, you are sharing my thoughts! I am often asked about etiquette for children and specifically table manners. My, what a subject: table manners for children.
When I was growing up, table manners were expected everywhere we went, and it started in our home. Mom was just as mischievous as us kids, so Dad had his hands full. At 88 she is still the same. That’s why my grandchildren want to sit with Mimi at the table; they know good times will abound. And that’s what it’s all about: enjoying every moment together around the table.
We had happy times around the table, but we were expected to behave. We were led by example, and that is truly the way most children are taught. There are courses children can attend where the basics are taught, but children typically imitate what they see. Our pastor makes a great statement when he dedicates babies: “Children will seldom listen, but they will always be watching.” Well if that doesn’t hit home, nothing does.
My grandchildren know when they come to our home we always sit down at the table to eat. We have a napkin and flatware that I encourage them to place on the table while I am finishing up the food. Then I ask them questions as we eat, such as “Where is your napkin placed?” or “if you don’t like something, what do you do?” Their answers are always funny, especially when you discuss things you don’t like to eat. But it makes them think.
When we go out to eat, as we are driving, I talk about how wonderful it is to dine out but that we must always think about others that are around us. Not only is it important that we have a wonderful meal but so must other families sitting near us.
I gave them an example of an experience Neal and I had not long ago. We were dining and at a nearby table a young child (old enough to know better) was constantly screaming and running around. You could see heads turn and eyes roll and shoulders rise, but the parents were totally oblivious. In my attempt to solidify this, I ask them to find the most well behaved child in the restaurant. It is amazing that they will observe bad manners and good manners.
Always ask “What is the proper thing to do?” It makes them a part of the teaching experience when they have to tell you what is proper. I believe meals should be enjoyable and that manners should be taught with ease. When you brag on a child, they rise to the occasion!
Our table should be a place of fellowship and sharing life. Conversations and fun moments will always be treasured. Consistency in combining manners with fun will result in enjoyment. As they age, occasions will call for more instruction, but live in the moment with smiles abounding!
What are some of your strategies for teaching table manners to children?
Comments 52
Manners are important and often lacking in children and adults. We was so glad my daughter married a well mannered man who did not use his fork as a shovel. Manners which are not used only at the table provide us with guides and “rules” that also encourage us to be considerate of others. Thank you for that reminder.
If two children have to share something like a cookie or a piece of cake, have one cut it in half and the other choose the first piece. You will never see a child try to cut a cookie or piece of cake so evenly.
I taught home economics in middle school for 20 years and was very gratified to find that my students always loved the section on manners. We saw a few videos, make a manners booklet and had discussions about manners. Sometimes we made up skits about good manners and bad manners, which by the way we learned manners were etiquette. I related to them how this would help them as they pursued a career in any area. Thank you for bringing up the issue of manners.
My husband works over the dinner hour, but I’ve always had sit-down dinners with my four boys each evening. We eat with candles and cloth napkins and place mats and I think that helps encourage better behavior. My boys are funny and goofy and occasionally make all those rude “sounds” that boys tend to make, but they do know better 🙂 In fact when one brother slips up, it isn’t long before another brother (using my voice) says, “Are you going to do that when you have dinner at your future girlfriend’s house? Haha, boys! You have to love them.
Side note…living with all these men make me LOVE your magazines and blog all the more. They are all so beautiful and ladylike. A mom’s retreat.
This should be required reading for all parents. No one likes to be seated near children who are tired and upset. Of course , etiquette and table manners are good to have for children at any age. More importantly though, parents need to understand that they must extend courtesy to the neighboring diners by attending to their child’s needs.
I often do not blame the child throwing the tantrum as much as i get upset with the parent for not heeding to it.
I absolutely agree that everyone should try and make dining at home a special experience as well. If fine china or linens are not available, any dish and napkin will do, so long as they focus on civilities and enjoying each others company.
thanks for the wonderful post.
This info is the cat’s pamsaaj!
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What a shitty goal by the USA!!! A total fluke, but at least it gave the USA a boost in confidence to play some excellent defense. England wasted a lot of opportunities, although plenty of credit must go to Howard for making some good saves.ps: What y’all think about that South Korea vs Greece game??? What a beat-down!!!
The ability to think like that shows you’re an expert
It seems to never fail, when my husband and I are out to eat or even shopping, if there is a misbehaving child: screaming, crying, or throwing a fit, it will find us or we will be seated next to them. The parents or grandparents are either immune or do not care about others, for they act like it isn’t happening. You can see the children are tired and should be home in their own environment or in bed. The child should be taken out and either talked to about their behavior or taken home. Most all restaurants have take out containers, so there is no excuse for ruining everyone else’s meal or shopping experience. When my daughter was young I taught her how to act at home and in public. I took things to entertain her and made sure she was rested and able to enjoy the experience. Only once did I have to remove her from a restaurant, after letting her know she would not be allowed to cry did I take her back inside. Some people don’t deserve to even be blessed with children or any animal for that matter.
I use leading a primary class at my church as an opportunity to teach table manners. Anytime I provide a treat I insist that the children take one and pass to the right. This does away with the tendency to grab. It is so fun to watch a table of young men take a treat from a basket and then politely pass it to the next person. If there are extras, we go through the exercise again. At every opportunity I empahsize manners to these young ladies and gentlemen.
Great advice….enjoyed reading this blog. Many families do not take time to teach manners now days to their children. What an important lesson for life they are missing.
Phyllis,
I always love your blog! When my children were growing up I wanted to teach good manners while keeping mealtime fun. I frequently recited the funny poems from The Goops and How to Be Them by Gelett Burgess. This book was originally published in 1900 and can still be found on Amazon. Also, a quick Google search will provide a taste of these funny rhymes. Now, I’m using these poems to make my grandchildren laugh as we enjoy learning manners. But I always say that the basis of all good manners is being kind and thoughtful to others. Thank you, Phyllis, for keeping your readers entertained and educated on the finer things in life.
Great post and some excellent comments.
I was brought up very ‘old school’ and I have kept those customs alive in my home. My husband’s family have a different style of table manners, which I found uncomfortable at first. I learned to accept their ways because they love me and I love them. In my home we use the ‘good stuff’ all the time. No plastic plates were ever used for my babies and nothing was ever broken. Like many of the participants here, my mother insisted that all of life must be so good that The Queen would be happy to be with us. I think families today need to teach their children that there is a sliding scale for table etiquette and what is good practice at a camp is not necessarily good practice in a cafe. What is respectful in Kyoto may not be so in Riyadh. Poor table manners results in extra work for someone; good manners smooths potential wrinkles away.
Probably my biggest pet peeve, table manners. We were required to use growing up and I require them at my table. My son laughs, you better listen to Gramms. Also, in restaurants I am always commenting on what is going on around me. It never hurts anyone to know what is right from wrong. So proud of my Southern background. Just moved to FL, but if you walked in our new home you would think you were in mid-Georgia, my home State.
Phyllis….my daughter in law, Ashley, is actually teaching etiquette for children and table manners ! She is doing this in small groups and I love that her classes are filling up! On the last day of class, the moms are invited for a tea with the girls. The girls are excited about what the learned, and the moms are thrilled with the results. She has had several requests for boy classes!
My daughter always insists on proper manners at the table. Once a month she has a “tea lunch” with all her 9 children in attendance where she teaches some of the finer points of using good manners. They love the tea lunches and want to have them all the time. They are taught how to pass dishes, eat properly with utensils, and keep the conversation going nicely. I know it is working because when we take them out to eat at a restaurant, we frequently have someone comment on how nicely they behaved, and they did it without the aid of an ipad or phone to play games on. They can carry on a conversation which will always be an asset to them.
This is a great blog! As my mother- in- law would comment quite a bit she would say to us about our children… Always remember that children are like sponges and they absorb all that you say and do…
She was so right! We are the examples and shame on us if we do not set a good example! I’am so very proud of my granddaughter…
She would not dare to start eating until I sit down and I’am always the last to sit… She knows I like a nice table setting and she is learning how to set a proper table. She always says may I be excused if we are sitting too long at the table!! Lol
I grow up in a family of five children. If we did something wrong at the table after dinner we had to read out loud to the other four children two pages from my mother’s etiquette book. That poor book was held together by an elastic band. But I thank her for it. Every Sunday we used the good china, crystal and silverware. My mother used to believe that if you were not comfortable using fine things as a child we will never feel comfortable as an adult. She was right. I find people looking at me or asking what fork to use. One of her favorite expressions was “Would the Queen do that.” My mother would also say “If you act like a young lady or a young gentleman you will be treated as one.” She passed those manners onto her grandchildren.
I agree that it is best to teach by example. It saddens me to see so many parents nowadays who don’t include their children in the conversation and hand them some electronic device to keep them entertained. My parents insisted on good manners and “tested” us by hosting dinners at home for their friends and family. At these dinners we were expected to join in the conversation and mind our manners. It prepared us for restaurant meals, even fast food places. I set the same example for my nieces and nephews, it reinforces what their wonderful parents have already taught them.
I must add….
Speaking of manners, I really should proof my comments before pushing the button!
Thanks again Phyllis for your wonderful blog!! I so agree with all your messages.
Sorry for the typos and omissions in my previous note to you. I’m a writer, not an emailer and forget to go back and read what I have written. I still love the “written” word and my thank you’s and letters to family and friends are still handwritten as often as possible.
Again I apologize for not proofing my previous email. Hope it’s not too hard to figure out.
As in most things in life, lead by example. Like your pastor, I believe this to be true. Unfortunately, there are many adults that are lacking in the most basics in table manners. And we now have technology adding to this problem. I ask all guests to leave there cellphones off and away from the table…I am surprised I even have to to that. Thank you for your gentle reminders,Phyllis. We need them now more than ever.
We are a small family, two children and their spouses … Four beloved grandchildren!! I so love that we all get together as often as possible!!! We we are together many of our activities are “around the table”. That’s where we eat together (all of us from the oldest to the youngest). Fortunately, our table seats 10…. And before we had that table we may have to “squeeze”…. But we we all together. When in high chair… They were with us until now when all sit around the table together.
We play games… At the table.
We play cards…..at the table.
We eat lunches …at the table.
But, when it’s time for a family meal… The little ones help with the “good sliver” and napkins and all are so proud to help Yaya, “I know here they go!” Or, when little, “is this right, Yaya?” Always with a smile and a hug….they are told. They look forward to “helping” (and learning from young.)
But my favorite time….when my children were young, was cookies and milk “at the table”!when home from school. The table was and is a place to gather and make memories. I have a framed sign by our dining table that says ”
“At our table…. We set a place for surprise..
We serve opinion…and sometimes fact…
We simmer good conversation…”
I love your blogs, Phyllis and your grandchildren are precious!!!
Thank you CJ
I’m so glad to read about another Grandmomma who makes a big deal out of this — in the best possible way. And, I completely agree with your pastor.
With nine children and a husband that was an executive, table manners were a must. When dad wasn’t home and they were young, I would frequently have formal dinners for just the children and I. They were practice sessions. I would have posted manners on cards on the table that were being the focus of that evening and give prizes for those that did them all successfully. On other occasions, at the regular table, each child would have pennies in a jar and if someone did not respond to reminders, they lost a penny to the large jar in the middle of the table, and the person with the most pennies left won the large jar’s pennies. But their favorite was when we were dining out, they always sought to get the praise of our waiting staff. I only remember one time that they walked out and said, “Mom, what did we do wrong? No one praised us.” Personally, I think it was the staff that did not take the time to praise them, but it made them work harder the next time.
Colleen, I agree. We host a week-long Cousins Camp every summer for all of our grands who are “at least 4 and potty-trained.” (We have 12 in all). Usually, we spend the first couple of days practicing manners at the table because, as you know, there are different expectations in each of their homes. Then, we go out for a meal and “see how many compliments we can get.” Sometimes they come from fellow diners who first cringed when they saw my husband and me walk in with 10 children. A couple of times, we have given them each a dollar for every compliment and then headed to the Dollar Tree. Positive reinforcement!
Growing up in the New York metropolitan area, life moved fast, even 50 years ago. We spent most holidays (except Christmas) with an aunt, as my mother worked as a waitress. Every once in a while, the “good dishes” and silver were brought out, the diningroom table was set and we had a “special” meal where we worked on our table manners. I know now it usually was precipitated by some child or a family who misbehaved in the diningroom of the restaurant where mom was working. These were VERY special times.
In my own home, I realized my ex-husband was woefully lacking in proper table etiquette so we worked on all of our manners at supper each night. We had a “code phrase” that was spoken my anyone who noticed a fellow diner had their elbows on the table, which was one of my in-laws points of work. One time, our son said it to his grandfather who had no idea what he meant. I tried to tell him I would explain after the meal, so as not to embarrass him before all his family but he insisted I tell him then, so I did! He called me to task then, so I excused myself, took my plate & went into the kitchen to finish my meal.
Just recently, my daughter thanked me for making sure they would be comfortable dining in any situation.
Especially as a grandparent, one walks a fine line at times teaching manners. Your pastor, and you, are so right that little ones are taught most by observing us. I always told our girls that if they had good manners they could eat with the Queen of England and feel comfortable, and tell my grandchildren that too. ( it makes them giggle)
I think that by eating meals with them at a beautifully set table, by taking children out to dinner, and giving them the opportunity to practice their manners, they will rise to the occasion. 🙂
I find that children always like to contribute to the conversation, so asking them questions about what is proper is a great conversation to have. A car game I used to play with my son was “Good Food or Junk Food.” I’d name a food and he would say if it were good for you or junk food. It was the interaction that was fun for us both.
Love this blog. It is so pleasant to dine out (or at home) when the children in attendance have been taught manners and are well behaved. Some people fall short in teaching children proper table etiquette and behavior. Hope many people read your blog today.
Thank you Grace…
Great advice and your Pastor is so right. Children are always watching and they want and need to know our expectations. Thank you so much for this wonderful and sage advice.
Our pastor really hits home with that comment when he dedicates babies. It really make you stop and think! Thank you.
Good point. I hadn’t thuoght about it quite that way. 🙂
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These people who tell you not to write a sequel to the Clockwork Three haven’t fallen in love with your characters. I want to know what happens to them!I just finished reading it (my Christmas present) and wish I could start the next. If only it existed…
As Charlie Sheen says, this article is “WINNING!”
What an AMAZING testimony for how God used you personally to minister to someone whom you’ve never met thru the written words that He implanted int your brain!…just finished PlanB and am soooooo looking forward to your next one!..God Bless you and your family abundantly!